50 Tweets from 2017
Wore the same pair of sweatpants to work three days in a row because there's no reason a cry for help can't be comfortable
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 7, 2017
Owning a cat is signing up to be covered in the hair of an animal you can never completely trust
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 6, 2017
Me to people mistreating me: Excuse me, are you aware I have a podcast
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 6, 2017
*me loudly in a McDonalds’*
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 5, 2017
I WONDER HOW MY BITCOIN IS DOING
When I was younger I made a pact with my friend that if we weren't married by the time we were 30 we would heartily congratulate each other
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 20, 2017
Text from friend: Are you sure you're not depressed?
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 30, 2017
Me, from under a pizza box and three covers wearing one sock four days later: *non-sensical bitmoji response*
Can't wait to settle into a home with the person I love, our cat, Lakeisha, and our dog, DeAndre.
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 28, 2017
Turns out my girlfriend is just three of my exes stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 26, 2017
If you pay close enough attention to someone's Twitter feed you can figure out what day they go to therapy
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 28, 2017
I ask for friends' advice because it's not enough to ignore my own intuition, basic common sense, and signs from higher powers
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 28, 2017
Got dumped by someone I wasn't dating again
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 9, 2017
Me when someone looks at me:
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 25, 2017
Wow this is a personal attack
Me during an actual personal attack:
Are you ok can I help may I make you tea
I love my gender which is half woman half Wendy's 4 for 4
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 25, 2017
If you date someone that's co-dependent and find out they suck, that's ok. What's important is that you found out together.
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 29, 2017
I like astrology because it's a fun way to get to know someone without having to talk to them
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 21, 2017
just remembered I have to be alive for the rest of my life
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 16, 2017
Friend said I dodged a bullet regarding an ex but I don't know that I dodged as much as I jumped in front of a gun, got shot, then ducked
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 21, 2017
Whenever I feel like I'm too much for someone, I remember that I have to be with me all the time and I seem to manage.
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 16, 2017
*Me to me when I do anything after 8pm during the week*
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 22, 2017
"Wow. You are so brave."
Why hang out once/wk for months when you can hang out 20 hrs in 1 week & gain same info. Lesbians get a bad wrap but that's just efficiency
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 15, 2017
Me with friends: Literally will never talk to her again lol she sucks
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 13, 2017
Me by myself: This is the greatest love that has ever existed
Has there ever been a time where a fellow shopper putting the bar between your respective groceries has not felt like a personal attack
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 3, 2017
Blocked my ex as if she needed any help ignoring my thoughts and feelings
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 17, 2017
If you're not on board with punching nazis, you are gonna FLIP when you find out what we used to do to them...kill them. We would kill them.
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 13, 2017
I'm not saying depression runs in my family but I am saying that if you take a shower at least 3 people will ask you where you're going
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 28, 2016
Walked in somewhere and the person with me was like why are those girls looking at you and I was like have you never been with a hot person
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 3, 2017
*me at home*
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 26, 2017
I wanna go home
The most homophobic thing Chick-fil-a has ever done is give me one single Polynesian sauce
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 29, 2017
Not depressed:
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 4, 2017
*sets one alarm*
*sets second alarm for 5 minutes later*
Depressed:
*sets one alarm*
*sets second alarm for 3 hours later*
If you think I’m mad about how someone treated me now, wait until I figure out it’s not even my fault
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 17, 2017
My funeral:
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 5, 2017
1. Project my tweets onto the moon
2. Assemble my haters under a bridge then poor my ashes on them
3. Jump my least favorite ex
If the Founding Fathers had the weapons of today, there wouldn’t even be a 2nd Amendment cuz all their dumbasses would be dead from dueling
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 3, 2017
*when my friend says text when you get home*
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 29, 2017
29 hours later: Home
Told my therapist I wanna stop going from one extreme to the other so much and she said there’s no treatment plan for being a Gemini
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 27, 2017
Yeah, I've got FOMO.
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 7, 2017
Fear
Of
Making OutWithAPersonILoveAndAdmireButNotGivingEnoughAttentionToMyFriendsWhoAreAlsoVeryImportantToMe
I can’t believe that doing the work I was putting off because I wanted to die made me not want to die
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 3, 2017
Tried dating again. Still bad.
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 8, 2017
When you forgive someone without them apologizing, you absorb their life force into your middle finger
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 8, 2017
Being trash, like most things, is fluid and on a spectrum
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 17, 2017
If someone proposed to me on any holiday, I would immediately dump that nut job
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 26, 2017
Do you know how racist a white person has to be for them to not flip out when you call them racist
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 12, 2017
Me once we lose healthcare: Millenials? More like ILLenials!
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 7, 2017
My girlfriend doesn't think my friends like her but whenever I ask which ones she refers to them all as dumbass bitches so it's hard to get to the bottom of this
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 11, 2017
I went to see Blade Runner and no one ran with a blade once
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 24, 2017
My greatest joy in life is slowly forgetting the details of something horribly embarrassing I did
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 11, 2017
I thought periods were blue until I was 35
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 14, 2017
Dating is one person arguing that they suck and the other party assuring them they don't until one of them gives up
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 20, 2017
For Halloween I'm going as the person that tags the celebrity you purposely didn't mention in their reply to your tweet
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 16, 2017
Just overheard my girlfriend saying I’ll never find love
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 4, 2017
I’m whatever level of depression it is where you actively avoid walking past tattoo shops because you’re worried you’ll impulsively get a Cheryl Strayed quote on your forearm
— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 17, 2017