50 Favorite Tweets of 2016

*gets text at 5:30*
"We still on for 6:30?"
"Yup. See you 5-15 minutes after that."

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 25, 2016

Are we all ready to admit that "don't tell ANYONE" means you can tell exactly one person

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 9, 2016

Everyone's like "it's impossible to change someone" but they're thinking of for the better. Someone changed me for the worse pretty easily.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 3, 2016

*on the phone with Instagram's help line*
Yes, how do I report a picture for hurting my feelings

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 31, 2016

Ok, if I sleep for 2 more hours that only leaves the rest of my life for me to not respond to my ex saying she misses me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 27, 2016

Not liking yourself is a waste of time there are so many people out there doing that for you

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 8, 2016

My mom is in LA & expects me to drop everything to hang out. It's like no, mom. The only people I do that for are women that treat me poorly

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 26, 2016

I think about my ex every few days. I think about her dog every hour on the hour.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 14, 2016

I almost joined a gang just so I'd know what to do with my hands in pictures

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 7, 2016

I love long distance relationships because they allow you to do the 1 thing that makes relationships last which is stay away from each other

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 5, 2016

Taking a nap is a temporary solution to my permanent problem of being alive

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 4, 2016

Bisexuals are one person Straight Gay Alliances

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 16, 2016

"Roses are red, violets are blue--"
"Let me stop you right there"
"What?"
"Violets..."
"Yes?"
"Are blue"
"Yes"
"Get yo dumbass off my porch"

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 2, 2016

In the end, the only Pokemon worth catching is yourself.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 11, 2016

I love sending a "you up?" text. But sometimes if it's a white girl I say "you woke?" just to scare her for a second

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 22, 2016

Who was ever charging for hugs

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 7, 2016

Y'all heard about the haunted house that's just a human standing in a room saying they care about you & sincerely asking you to be with them

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 23, 2016

Do people that flush public toilets with their foot know they're the problem

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 20, 2016

Waiting until I'm verified to follow my ex so I can be like bloop bloop bitch it's me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 14, 2016

I've never been ghosted but I have been blatantly ignored by ghosts my whole life and it's just as painful

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 11, 2016

Everyone is a time capsule of stuff from their past and when you open it up you're like, "Wow, you decided to save a lot of shitty stuff."

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 10, 2016

Break ups are great because your biggest fear becomes that someone you love will be happy

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 6, 2016

Do you think Jesus was Ford tough

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 27, 2016

Anytime I meet a girl I say I'm gonna marry her so on my wedding day I can go "I told my friends I'd marry you the day we met." Numbers game

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 5, 2016

Dating multiple people is a fantasy all 20 somethings have before they realize everyone is terrible

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 15, 2016

Can't beat the start of a relationship. No better way to spend 3 hours than staring into the eyes of someone that will eventually hate me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 14, 2016

Please do not flaunt your heterosexual lifestyle in front of my dogs

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 1, 2016

I'm allowed to love one dumb person and guess what guys it's gonna be me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 7, 2016

Isn't suicide the ultimate form of self-care

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 18, 2016

whoever came up with the term crush was a little too good at naming shit

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 16, 2016

I value friendship so much that I often have sex with my friends

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 13, 2016

Fans! Don't forget! This it tonight!
*picture of me reading peacefully in bed*

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 29, 2016

Please don't ever blame something on timing, if you two are on the earth at the same time that's miracle enough.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 6, 2016

The hardest part of being incredibly attractive is knowing when someone won't sleep with me it's 100% my personality

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 23, 2016

"How do you all know each other?"
*thinks for a second*
"From being gay."

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 8, 2016

Periods can be painful as a heart attack. The poetry of some women experiencing monthly pain most men only feel while dying isn't lost on me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 22, 2016

I don't have exes I just have destroyed horcruxes

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 26, 2016

The best gift you can give on Valentine's is to dress up like your partner's parents and apologize

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 2, 2016

I didn't know my own mother's name for 13 years because some guy talked over her introducing herself

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 22, 2016

The Great British Cake Off: me cuddling with an English woman for an hour

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 7, 2016

one time I met a nice guy and he never mentioned the fact that he was nice at all it was crazy

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 12, 2015

A fun thing I like to text people I like is LYLAL which means Love You Like A Lesbian. That's a freebie from me to you.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 28, 2016

A key component of open and honest communication is telling someone you never want to speak to them again

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 9, 2016

I sign up for services just to cancel them so I can receive emails that start with "we miss you"

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 6, 2016

I love going to the grocery store and purchasing lots of unhealthy food plus one apple

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 6, 2016

Had to explain to this girl I'm not a Barb and she was like I can't believe you're a Nancy and I was like hoe I'm the Demogorgon

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 9, 2016

I heard abruptly cutting ties with people that love you is an important part of Scientology so now I'm interested

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 19, 2016

*me as a therapist*
omg what is wrong with you

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 19, 2016

"Shit or get off the toilet" seems very dismissive to the fact that the people on the toilet are probably trying very hard to shit

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 1, 2016

I'm house sitting and a lamp just came on by itself and I texted the owner like do y'all have a ghost and I'm scared the ghost read the text

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 3, 2016

50 Fave Tweets of 2015

if every little thing she did was magic I feel like people would be like calm down with the magic, we fucking get it already

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 29, 2015

I'm uncomfortable with what my personality says about me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 25, 2015

I know racism towards white people isn't possible but this Kraft commercial of whites putting Miracle Whip and avocado on toast comes close

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 20, 2015

how do you become one of those girls that kisses cheeks when you see people do you just have to dive right in

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 23, 2015

Was Christ short for Christopher

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 5, 2015

Let me let you in on a little secret. Under the shades of the cool guy emoji are heart eyes. 😎

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 11, 2015

welcoming a baby doesn't seem that hard you just wave and smile

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 7, 2015

I mean really, who's masturbating NOT furiously

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 11, 2015

This is my last year doing Secret Santa. Every year I get The Patriarchy. What do you get the guy that has everything?

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 29, 2015

Hey, kids. All of your idols email addresses are FirstnameLastname@gmail.com have fun

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 3, 2015

Who am I to tell me no

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 15, 2015

Can't believe we base the entire concept of marriage on Adam and Eve like they had a perfect relationship

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 9, 2015

My type is anyone you would say "she is a lot" about

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 2, 2015

My greatest fear is that I'll be stuck in a conversation when Hotline Bling plays at a party

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 1, 2015

Did you know the 'G' in 'LGBT' stands for 'Get the fuck away from me'

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 27, 2015

please don't take my kindness for weakness, take it for a moral flaw that sabotages me at every turn

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 30, 2015

DOG SEXT: 💄

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 29, 2015

Keep seeing studies about how sitting down is killing us but haven't seen anything about laying down staring at a wall so I think I'm good

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 4, 2015

"Hey, it's nice to meet you, everything you've heard about me is true because I'm not perfect." -me at parties

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 18, 2015

Everyone thinks "1738" is about cognac but I know Fetty Wap is just very into the Treaty of Vienna

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 17, 2015

whenever I want someone to shut up I just say something emotionally vulnerable

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 30, 2015

So many trolls on here! What's the meanest thing they've said to you? Mine was "I love you but I can't be in this relationship anymore."

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 30, 2015

One time I wore a shirt that said Free Meechie and it worked they just let him out of jail

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 28, 2015

All of my sexual fantasies are people fully clothed telling me they like me and will never leave

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 27, 2015

I have a section in my budget labeled "maintaining appearances"

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 19, 2015

do you think celebrities know that everything they do is brave

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 16, 2015

I'll never get married because getting a divorce is just admitting you were wrong which is impossible for me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 11, 2015

*writes text* All I wanna do is lay under the stars with you while drinking milkshakes. Is that ok? *erases* *writes text* lol 420 blaze it

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 7, 2015

Matched with a girl at 7am and unmatched 'cuz I ain't tryna fuck with nobody that gets up at 7am

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 2, 2015

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should've because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 28, 2015

You can always tell when I think I'm about to turn my life around because I buy vitamins

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 22, 2015

don't be the 'growing your bangs out' of people

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 13, 2015

Waiting on the Cards Against Humanity expansion pack that's just ten cards that say "nigger"

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 7, 2015

The same you that makes awful relationship decisions also makes every other decision in your life did you know that

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 11, 2015

Listen, I don't like sending a text that's just three question marks any more than you like getting 'em.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 16, 2015

what they don't tell you about trying to make everything about yourself is that if you succeed, it's pretty great

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 12, 2015

If Drake does have ghostwriters, they are HAUNTINGLY talented Thank you, thanks so much, 'ppreciate it, thx, truly grateful, thanks, gracias

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 31, 2015

Does Buzzfeed have a which murdered black teen are you quiz

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 7, 2015

"Be the change you want to see in the world" *climbs into cash register*

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 25, 2015

Wes Anderson is at least 8 white people in one body

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 15, 2015

Oops sorry didn't mean for you to see that your name in my phone is just the crying emoji

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 15, 2015

I have no problem being in a triad as long as we could all agree that everyone likes me the most

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 24, 2015

one time I didn't take my phone with me to the bathroom

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 30, 2014

If you ever wanna make the night of a random white dude, just walk into a party and be like, "CAN ANYONE BEATBOX?"

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 30, 2014

what have we all done to deserve the unearned intimacy of a cashier picking the change from your open palm for you

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 29, 2014

Do you think people will start saying "this is my Nisha call" about things they can't make sense of in their life cuz I've already done that

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 30, 2015

once canceled a date because it was a date

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 8, 2015

whoever came up with "strong and silent" in reference to a type of male had a very active imagination

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 18, 2014

the most effective birth control is explaining your tattoos

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 7, 2015

All of my texts should just say, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 28, 2015

Top 50 Tweets of 2014

Do Tide pens work on a life stained with disappointment

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 3, 2014

how can anyone be mad about graffiti when we let people get away with something called "latte art"

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 27, 2014

what do you do if you're sad but not funny

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 17, 2014

out of nowhere I texted my ex "I'm very happy" does that seem normal and chill

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 7, 2014

Everyone at laundromats folds their underwear in public as if that's not something that should be punishable by death

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 14, 2014

I'm sorry if I've ever misgendered your pet

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 11, 2014

Has everyone already realized that naps are "turn it off then turn it back on" for people

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 7, 2014

of course I don't hate men I have one men friend

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 11, 2014

Does Obama worry about being basic

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 29, 2014

I wish I was famous so people would get just how fascinating I am

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 9, 2014

Sucks that my whole life has to be about me

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 13, 2014

At what age do you stop turning down the volume on sex scenes

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 14, 2014

Walked by a softball field, show them their future.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 8, 2014

Is it racist to hate myself

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 7, 2014

how does anyone have the emotional strength to make dinner

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 11, 2014

Just daydreamed about crying.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 26, 2014

Isn't being single just the most open relationship?

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 14, 2014

if my parents consider me to be a disappointment and want to blame it on being gay they'd have to overlook several other glaring reasons

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 29, 2014

does the five second rule apply to tampons

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 7, 2014

I wish facebook recorded who friended who so you always know who has the upper hand in the relationship

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 10, 2014

Journals were invented so you can hate past you and current you at the same time.

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 23, 2014

If pregnant women walk without a hand on their stomach, will the baby fall out

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 23, 2014

I wish I could report someone's entire life as spam

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) November 15, 2014

aren't diaries just the saddest zines

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) December 7, 2014

All reported ghosts have been by people that don't understand cross breezes

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 30, 2014

can you dye your hair flannel

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 24, 2014

The thing about people that think gays recruit is that they're saying the only thing keeping them from being gay is a strong sales pitch

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) September 2, 2014

Have you ever been so sad that wishful thinking is your wishful thinking

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 2, 2014

Happiness is like an orgasm in that you'll know it when you feel it and I've experienced neither

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 25, 2014

Is it rude to be happy in a Starbucks?

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 10, 2014

most Kickstarters I'm like I'll pay you not to make that

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) August 29, 2014

Is it fair to be mad that your ex stole your friends if you barely liked your friends to begin with

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 20, 2014

Sucks that no matter what your ringtone is, it's embarrassing

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) July 25, 2014

I wish commercials said true things like, "changing your tampon makes you feel like you have a new 2-3 hour lease on life."

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 19, 2014

having a job is expensive because you have to spend all your money to justify doing something you hate

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 24, 2014

All clothes are pajamas if you don't leave your apartment

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 24, 2014

Accidentally thought someone treated me as an equal

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 31, 2014

Every night I queue a tweet that says IN HEAVEN LOL and delete it when I wake so if I die in my sleep everyone will be freaked the fuck out

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 23, 2014

Doesn't seem fair that to be as happy as possible you need drugs but to be as sad as possible all you have to do is reach your 20s

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 28, 2014

The confidence with which Planned Parenthood volunteers approach me is borderline offensive

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) May 5, 2014

If nothing else, we should be impressed that all presidents reached the age of 35 and still had dreams and goals

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 26, 2014

Wish I was famous so I had a reason to be nice to people

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 22, 2014

"More like RikiLeaks!" - a fun joke for friends of Ricki Lake when she's on her period

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 22, 2014

I wish I cared about the stories I relay to my friends as much as I expect them to care while I'm telling them

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) June 24, 2014

Is there a way to delete other people's tweets

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) April 20, 2014

I bet you if Kim Possible knew how much data plans are now, she wouldn't be quite as down with her theme song

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) March 21, 2014

How old is too young to give up

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) February 7, 2014

It's free museum day in LA but I don't have anyone I'm trying to impress by pretending that I care so thank God for that

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 26, 2014

Do you think I could commit suicide in my "voice"

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) October 25, 2014

If Twitter has taught me anything it's that there is a line between sad funny and sad sad and I don't know where it is

— Brittani Nichols (@BisHilarious) January 8, 2014